I had a dream

I had a dream.  

I was somewhere above, in a skyscraper, looking out the window. And I could see outside there was a guy (who I didn’t know), who was making fun of a dog. A female puppy. He wasn’t hurting her, however, I could feel somehow that the puppy felt humiliated. Then, I saw a friend of mine – who loves dogs so much – coming in and somehow saving the puppy. Next thing I know, the guy walked into the room, and I felt so much anger on him!
So I said to him: “ You are such an idiot!”.
 His reply?

“Really? And you are just invisible!”. 

And this is when I woke up.

Silly dream, right? Except that now, that I am studying psychology, I don’t just ignore dreams J).

Freud said that dreams are psychic events  , created as a compromise, satisfying two contradictory trends: one that is rational, conscious (usually connected to the need of sleeping), and the repressed desire. The theory says that dreams are a mean to satisfy in disguise the unconscious desire, so that the sleep is not interrupted.

Ok… and this really doesn’t help me at all figuring out what the hell is this dream about. Unless… if I were to think of any repressed desire connected to this dream, I would connect to what the guy told me: “Really? And you are just invisible”.

In Transactional Analysis, we start discussing about a dream from the client’s point of view. What the elements of the dream represent to the client, what the client felt in the dream, what is he/she feeling now as the dream is told again etc. So I started applying that to myself. What meaning do I make of being invisible.

And in fact, if I look back, and even in this period of my life, I just get panicked when I feel invisible. The emotion? I feel scared. Scared that I am not visible enough for people to see me. Of course, this is a very deep corner of myself, you wouldn’t see it, probably I wouldn’t have even thought about it if it wasn’t for this dream.  And my decision to go back to childhood, at what I felt growing up. There would be millions of things to say, of course, but we’re not here to discuss my kindergarten stories :)

Then what is the meaning of the dog  -puppy? In TA, all the elements are actually parts of self, and they tell your story. What would the puppy say? In my dream, it was a classic, gentle, sweet puppy, who didn’t really understand what was happening, she seemed to be smiling, just wanted to be loved (as any puppy!), but she somehow felt something was wrong, with the guy annoying her. She would still stay there, eager to get the acceptance.

And yes, I can relate to many situations I’ve felt like this. Vulnerable, insecure, not sure if people are accepting me for what I am.

What I take from this dream is that still a part of me is annoyed when I get invisible (or at the possibility of being invisible). Can you relate this in anyway with MS? They don’t call MS – the invisible disease for nothing.

For me, this started echoing when my symptoms were not invisible anymore. I could see them, I could feel  them.  Acceptance? The road towards acceptance was even harder because, after I decided to love and accept myself the way I am, people around me still made me feel invisible. Sometimes consciously not wanting to look my way (perhaps the image triggered something that would make them sad), my family trying to ignore the disease (“ you will be fine!..you just need…lemon! ) )and so on.

This dream reminded me that I don’t need to be invisible. That I’m not! That I decide weather I would walk on the street trying to cover myself, hoping that people won’t notice how strange it is for a 30 years old to walk …like this, or confident with my cane and a smile on my face, and perhaps a mini skirt! :)

Love,

Florenta